Lent et douloureux

It’s a rainy day in NYC today. The skies are crying, as am I. This past week, one of my young students lost his mother. She was so present in his dance training. She loved to watch her son and every time she came to watch class, she sat straight-backed in the chair, all in white, with a perm-grin on her face. Since our learning has moved online in the past few weeks, we’ve been having all sorts of virtual assignments. She was so active during these strange times and sent me many videos and pictures over the past few weeks. We were texting just last week, and now she’s gone. It seems unreal. My thoughts immediately go to my young student. I see his big brown eyes: vacant, searching, questioning, confused. I’m hopeful he has some emotionally intelligent people in his life to support him during this difficult time. The little I know about grief, I have found that the mourning only gets better as it is shared. I’m so concerned for him during this time of isolation. So, this is my love letter to him and to his mama. I still see her big & bright, her body enveloped in gauzy white, swaying to the music when I think of her.

One of her favorite pieces of music was Erik Satie’s Gymnopédies. I found it comes from an ancient greek word Gymnopaedia. This was a festival of ancient Sparta at which young men danced and competed against each other. I hope that as her young son continues to dance to the dreamy and melancholy tunes his mother loved so much, that her memory can live on in him. Take five minutes today to hug your loved ones tight and be present with those you cherish.

“Lent et douloureux - Slow and painful ”

Over and Over and Over

Here I sit, week five of staring at the same white walls, listening to some bad pop songs and wondering when these Groundhog Days are going to end….One thing that has been keeping me sane during these challenging weeks is teaching. I created an entire online curriculum for my students. I finally got to put all my pedagogy into action in written form. I have always utilized a syllabus in teaching, but now I get to pass all this information along in a literal sense. It’s been a fulfilling challenge to create written content that is trying to captivate my boys, in addition to teaching them virtually. In my ballet classes, I get to be the best version of me. I needed a heavy reminder of the necessity, especially now, of continuing to move forward, dig deep, and keep going. When I received one of my amazing student’s assignments, I got the nudge I needed. If only I could spend the entire quarantine in the Happiest Place on Earth…my Google Classroom. My little student Aiden, taught me the lesson of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was a cruel Greek king who was punished to push a large rock up on a steep hill, only to find it rolling back on nearing the top. Ever since, he has been known for pushing the rock tirelessly till eternity. Much like my jumping, dancing, leaping students, Sisyphus refused to surrender to gravity. In the words of my student Aiden for his Alphabet Project, “N is for Never Give Up”. So, I’ll keep embracing my purpose and give it all I’ve got today, and tomorrow, and the next, and the following, and until I can see them in person again my Hawkshaw mysteries and games of Ballet Clues will have to suffice. My recipe this week is to grill a Beyond Burger and throw it on a GF Bun. Dinner done.

Photo by Kyle Froman

Family Ties

Quarantine Edition #3

A bit of a somber Happy Tuesday over here surrounded by the grey skies of NYC. This past week, my Grandma Maxine passed away alone in her apartment in CA. She was a feisty and fiery woman who was often difficult to get along with. I have guilt for not having a lot of contact with her in her later years. She was a beauty in her young age and she loved her sons, baseball, and swearing. I’ve been thinking about her and the memories I have of her:

-One time she was babysitting me and my siblings while my Mom and Dad went away on a rare trip. We lived at the top of a hill and she loaded us all into the minivan and went inside to get something. Somehow, the car shifted out of gear and the minivan (with us inside) went straight down our hill and plowed over the green grass of our neighbors yard where we came to a halt in front of the neighbor’s window to their house.

-My sister Christy and I would go over on the weekends and spend the night. We’d make play dough, whirl around on the sit-n-spin, and madly crash around with Hungry Hungry Hippos. She would watch baseball and yell at the TV and we’d sit there blissfully playing.

-When I went to visit her after college, my sister and I went to her house and she was so excited to show me this print of NYC she had in her living room. She got it just because she said she was inspired by my move to NYC. She always bragged about her grandchildren and often told me about all of my cousins and their latest accomplishments whenever I would call her.

-One thing I remember that brought her so much joy was her garden. She always had a great thumb and we’d tour her tomatoes with her Dachshund.

I do not have a garden or a green thumb, but as an ode to my Grandma, I thought I’d look up Demeter this week—The goddess of Harvest and Agriculture. I hope she’s prancing around somewhere with Persephone tending to a garden with many dachshund’s following her, and watching her beloved baseball games.

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. -Rumi ”

Tammi Tuesdays-Quarantine Edition

It’s been almost 8 years since I posted on my Summer of Tammi blog….now I feel like we’re in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse and my best friend Deborah suggested resuming my Tammi Tuesdays, so here we are.

I started Happy Tuesdays in High School. I would bake each week, have an inspiring quote, and pass on some love and joy. It was a way for me to build community, spread joy, and feel happy myself in the process. Since I can’t bring anyone baked goods during this self isolation time we’re in (and I think I’d get more peculiar looks passing out goodies now than when I’d waltz down 9th street offering cupcakes to complete strangers) I thought I’d offer a recipe for you to make at home during these weird and crazy times.

When I was younger, we moved so frequently that I changed schools almost every year. It was such a challenge each time—I often became friends with my teachers more so than other students and would miss big chunks of learning as I bounced from one school to the next. I have been thinking a lot about my own kiddos from school and how much they are missing out on. In the past few weeks, I mentioned to my Ballet Boys that I never learned about the Gods & Goddesses. Halfway through my freshman year, I left a high school where we were just about to start learning about the Gods & Goddesses, and the school I transferred into had just finished their semester all about the same subject. So, my young 5th grade boys were tasked with teaching me a new one every class (there are a few boys who are so into this subject!). We were just about to start our project when schools closed. So, I’m now teaching myself.

I felt an appropriate Goddess to begin with is Vesta/Hestia. She is the Roman/Greek Goddess of hearth and home. While you make your recipe, put on a fire (mine will be through the TV courtesy of YouTube) and think about what has become the center of your life right now:

“The hearth fire in the home of the ancient Romans was not only essential for cooking food and heating water, but also served as the gathering place for the family and, in time, became associated with the spirit of that particular family gathered around that particular hearth. The Latin word for `hearth' is focus which, of course, is used in English to designate a center or activity of interest”.

“When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. You are warm and sheltered. Your are completely at one in the house of your own longing and belonging.”-

John O’Donohue

May this Tuesday gathered around your hearth bring you all the feels of warmth, shelter, love. Put on some Schitt’s Creek, play some cheesy Pop Music, and cook!